albertmarkovski's Blog

I'm sitting at DFW airport.  My flight coming in was delayed and I ended up missing my layover.  I'm always disappointed with how the only way to get someone to help you is to act like a jerk.  This just encourages people to act like more of a jerk because they know thats the only way to get what you want is to be a jerk.
Well...
I just left LA.  I went to go visit my really good friend.  It was a great week.  LA wasn't that great of a place.  I mean, its pretty much just like any other city.  Its definitely different than other cities, but I didn't think it was that significant.  I met a bunch of her friends, they were pretty cool for the most part.  Some more than others.  Its always weird to talk about her on here because she has my account name.  Its not that it matters, I've already told her these things.  It just feels funny to think about her reading this.  Thats why I don't really talk about her much on her.  I won't lie, that part is mostly just to make sure she knows why I don't post about her much.
While I was in LA, I went to stores on Ventura and Melbrooks (maybe thats it).  I went to an “In n Out”, Panda Express, and Baha.  I drove past some hot dog place that is famous.  Those are all the things I did out in LA.  For new years we went to her cousins house, and drank fancy wine, eat fancy cheese, and played Wii.  We watched movies and made iphoto videos.  I'm going to edit them all together and then post them on the YouTube.
I originally thought the invasion of Gaza was bullshit, but I'm beginning to believe its not total bullocks.  I'm not quite sure though.  I basically don't trust anything news channels say.  Fortunately, I've found other ways to get news that isn't so manipulated.  
I think my plane is here, but they still have called us to board.
It just got really dark in like 30 seconds.

CNN Quote – “The republican party has had problems with poor, latino, black, female, and middle class.”  So basically everyone besides their senators.

Women now hold two very powerful positions in the government, Clinton as Secretary of State, and the Senate majority leader.

I miss you.

Well...

I'm in california right now.  I came to visit a very good friend of mine.  tomorrow is my last full day.  Then I leave early the next mournings.

Thats all

I have work on Christmas eve because my boss is a muslim.  He is really nice though, this year, he even had me put up Christmas lights.  a long way from not even letting people play christmas music.

Well,

I watched a video on people's concept of time, and how it sffects them.  It was stupid, mostly.  Made me realize how out of touch with people psycologists are, or atleast the "scholarly" ones.

I'm staying with my parents for the holidays.  Kinda sucks because I got all my stuff from my dorm in my car and I don't want to unpack it here because I'll just have to take over to my new house after new the holidays.  Thats just kinda where I am right now.  This place isn't my home anyore, the problem is that right now, there isn't anywhere else that is either.

I'm working at the Restraunt now.  Its a pretty great job.  Tomorrow I have to work by my self for the first time.  I've only been working for 3 days, and it is a saturday night, which means it could get incredibly busy.  I'm extremely nervous, and slightly excited.

Life is good, though.  I'm starting to feel happy again.

my hand is completely asleep so I'm typing with my left tell it wakes up.

I have been looking at all of these pisctures of my ex's on facebook.  Its kind of depressing because all of them are extremely good looking.  And to be quite honest, I'm not.  They all look so happy and like they aren't having any of ther problems that I am.  Maybe its just you can't see any of this through a picture, but most of them I knew pretty well, and I'd be able to tell through just one picture how they were doing, regardless of their facial expression.

I'm going to go ahead and talk about this just because its one my mind.

Funny story, I hadn't realized I'd talked about this girl already, but I was planning to tell the story of "laura" the girl in the previous blog post.  She left to go back to school today, I met her for breakfast, and I'm pretty sure she knew something was up.  When you are thinking about telling someone something, its hard to get the motivation to hide it very deep with your actions.  I was yet again amazed by how intoxicating it is just to be around her.  I get the rush, and its not that nervous anxious rush you get on a first date, and it is nothing at all like the rush of hormones you get from looking at porn.  Its just like when I am around her I am incredibly happy, and excited.  When I'm not around her, I will catch my self thinking about being around her, and how good of a mood it puts me in.  Maybe this is it for real, and I should act on it, or maybe, maybe its just me being lonely. 

My close friend won't hug me because she is to awkward of a person, and doesn't like physical contact.  When she does give me real hugs, like hugs she wants to give me, not that I force on her, they are so wonderful and relaxing.  My problems melt away no matter what they are, she's like a home to me.  But there is nothing romantic there, just so you know.  She's been in my dreams and posts before, but I don't remember what name I used.

Okay, so in mylife there is this one friend that I met for the first time a little over a year ago.  Since that day, I've basically thought she is the most attractive girl I've ever met.  I don't even know particularly why I'm so crazy about her, but I am.

Anyways... She goes to school 4 hours away from me, but she is in town for Thanksgivings.  We hung out last night, just us.  It was really nice.  I had a wonderful time, but it was just as friends.  We ended up going to a movie, and during the movie I just couldn't stop thinking about kissing her.  I want to so bad, but I'm pretty sure it would be a terrible idea.  The other problem is that I can't read her well, as in she constantly sends me these signals, but she has always sent them, even when I know she did like me.  I'm in the dark with her, that maybe why she is so attractive.  I haven't been this physically infatuated with someone for anywhere near this long before.

I went to see my councelor the other day.

He told me that he had another patient on ep.  This made me feel nice.  Obviously he didn't tell me anything about who she was.  I'm not even sure its a girl.  I kinda want to knw who she is, but i know that would be illegal and entirely wrong for me to even but him in the position of asking.

I like my councelor, he's quite understanding and intelligent.  The only thing I wish was that he had more understanding of the brain's chemistry.  I think he knows more about it than he lets on, but I don't know.  That stuff really interests me.

Thats all for tonight

My councelor told me to write about what I think about when I'm trying to go to sleep.

The truth is I don't think the subject matter is very important.  I basically think about everything that means nothing.  I mean, I'll remember random things I have been trying to come up with for days, but I know if I get up to write it down I'll just have to start trying to add 2 more hours tell I go to sleep.  Odds are I'll forget by the time I find paper.  To be honest its not my sleeping habits that cause my problems, its the world not being willing to fit to my schedule.  I mean, I'm so completely fine with staying up tell 4 or 5 (on average) in the morning as long as I can sleep in.  I mean, I'm forced to work and think during my worst hours.  My mind and body function so much better at night why can't they just let me learn then.  I could solve a lot of things that way.  Sometimes I think the night makes me just seem more intuitive, but no, I am deffinetly smarter at night.  Not the kinda smart that makes you succed in the world.  Its the kinda smart that makes you fail in the world.  Keep in mind, I don't think I'm any smarter than other people, I just think I enjoy thinking so I do, and others enjoy other things so they do that instead.

I'll be honest though, I wonder whether other people are like me.  I mean I think a lot, and most of the stuff I think about doesn't seem normal.  It never comes out, so I tend to think that other people think these things, and just don't ever talk about.  I mean, most of the people I know well enough to talk about these things with are just like me.  Maybe, I don't know.  A lot of my thinking thinks about this.  (On a side note, I love "Girl Talk")

I want to write.  Not for money, or I guess I'd take money for it, but I don't planned to support my life that way.  My work is only there to provide the oppertunity to do those things that I cost money and time to do and I enjoy.  I mean what do you really have to write about if you're a writer, being a writer.  I'm not knocking the profession, I just know I could never support myself with it, and if I did, I would probably enjoy it far less.  I could teach, not because I'd enjoy it, but because I could just numb my mind to the pointlessness of it.  I mean, if I was only teaching people who genuinly wanted to learm then I could enjoy it, but that just isn't how it works.  I looked forward to college so much through out highschool because I saw it as an opertunity to actually choose what I need to learn for my life rather than people telling me what I have to know to be successful.  This is just my second quarter and I'm already taking classes because I have to.  So fucking dumb.  I can look at things and know whether I should learn it, whether I want to or not, and these things I don't need to.  Its just so I can be molded into a alumni that makes my school looks good, and will pay them money later in my life for the wonderful experience and preparation for the real world I was given for a perfectly reasonable amount of money.  And of course there's the book store which people seem to think is okay to over charge students for books and under pay for them because the profits go to the school football team.  The success or failure of that football team is SO important to my success in the world.  Someone is going to hire me because my college football team made it to a bowl game this year.  If they would, and I don't doubt that this happens quite often, I would far rather work at McDonalds, or live under a bridge.  Atleast then I could respect myself for having some dignity and respect for my own being.

I'm sure this all sounds quite stupid, and extremely whinny, but I don't really care.  I'll never act on any of these things.  Despite the fact that I know I could work at Mcdonald's for 3 years and live cheaply and by the end of it have enough money to buy 10 acres, enough to support 5 people with more than what they need.  I mean there is always paying the property tax each year, but a lot of states have land used to raise personal produce.  I know this is all possible, but still I'd just never do it.  My goal in life is to reach that stage, raising my own food, and not having to worry about anything going on in the rest of the world.  Sleep to mine and natures schedule's only.  Once I get a "profession" I'll be to busy with it to do any of those things, any of the reasons I want to be successful.

I have a friend who lives with friends, for basically nothing, I mean he does a lot of the chores around the house and pays when he can.  He's an artist and uses the money he gets from his art to go to shows, and basically support other people's art.  Here's the crazy thing, he satisfies almost all of his needs from people's waste.  Ever been to a restraunt and left half a burger on your plate, well think about it.  Thousands of people do that every day, and thousands of places throw out there extra food at the end of the day.  Krispy Creme is amoung the worst.  All of those donuts they make, they just get put in boxes and stacked next to the dumpster.  Litterally a hundred or more donuts a day.  Why don't more people take advantage of this.  They are maybe 3 days old at the most, and taste just as delicious as ones that are 2 hours old.

I'm not paying for my college education.  If I was, I wouldn't be following the curiculum.  I feel like I owe my parents a degree.  Up to me, I'd pay for the classes I'd learn from and then just forget all of the other pointless ones neccesary for a degree.  It kill them if I didn't graduate, they think I'd failed in life even if I'd succeded. 

I love my parents, they are great to me, and always have been.   They have made their mistakes, but they always mean well.  I hurt thier feelings a lot, though.  They take my actions much to personally.  I'm their baby.  I've been spoiled in every way my entire life.  I refuse to just follow the life they've set up for me.  I could live a perfectly normal life if I wanted to, but I wouldn't be happy.  I'd hate myself for it.

Writing these makes me feel so much better.  Its like a record of all these thoughts, and I feel like once I write them on here I don't have to think about them anymore because they have already been thought, and I can just read back over it if I need a refresher.  Of course I just find different things to think about, like my head still isn't clear.  I could keep this ramble going for many more pages, and I'd probably finally start to figure a lot of things out, but I don't have all night.  Haha, what a lie, I'll be up for atleast 2 or more hours just doing this exact same thing minus the output.

Goodnights,

If you read this, I really appreciate it.  You should talk to me about what you thought.  Even if its offensive.

So there is this girl.

I had a crush on her my freshman year of highschool, not a big crush I just sorta liked her.  She moved away and I haven't seen her since.  Well I saw her last thursday, and she said hey.  I didn't even recognize her at first.  I didn't talk to her that night because I was all shyed up and nervous, even though she clearly wanted to talk to me.  When she left she said I'll talk to you on facebook or something.  Well the next day I figured since she had been the one to show interest and I hadn't done anything to make it seem like I was I sent her a comment on facebook.  Since then we've chatted a bit, but its not worth all the details.  Anyways... I've put the ball in her court and she hasn't done anything, but clearly is still flirting.  Its weird, and I can't quite figure her out.  tomorrow I'm pretty sure if she doesn't do anything, I'm gonna just make an attempt to hang out with her.  If she can't hang out, I'll just say thats it and put this behind me.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to ramble as much as I did last night.  I do have one specific topic to talk about, thats sociallism.  And it plausible use.

This is entirely my opinion, and its what I think.

Socialism is more simply the work of a group to provide for the entire group.  Socialism can't work unless those participating in it are choosing to participate.  Okay, my mind isn't flowing well tonight.  That might also be because I'm trying to listen to the Al Gore's audio-book, An Assault on Reason.  Makes me hate TV, and anything mass produced.  I wanna be self supporting.  That's my greatest dream.

I don't have anything to really say in this.  (Apparently I was wrong)

I have a friend thats having a rough time, "a rough time" doesn't really explain it well, but she's down.  She means a lot to me, and I love her.  I don't really know how to make her feel better, I don't even know if I should try and make her feel better.  She's pretty strong and (as I'm writing this I'm realizing its quite possible she reads this.)  That doesn't matter though, these are things she already knows.  I want her to be happy and I think she will be at some point.  I get to go visit her soon, I  can't really express how happy that makes me.  Just being around her makes life more enjoyable, as in seriously, just sitting next to her in silence is comforting.  There aren't many people that I feel that way about maybe, maybe 2 others. 

Anyways...

I'm home until after Thanksgiving, and thats not to bad.  I told mom I was smoking again.  I think she finally understands it now.  We'll find out if she is still going to try and change my mind.  She trys to take this whole logical approach to smoking.  Why would you do something that is so unhealthy?  I want to.  Well, why would you want to?  Its enjoyable.  So you do anything that is enjoyable regardless of the consequinces?  What do you want me to say to that, its a rediculous question.  Your just trying to connect smoking to worse things.  You drink Caffine anyway, where is the line drawn.  (On a side note, I really don't want my parents to drink caffine, I hate caffine, it fucks my days up.  Sorry coffee drinkers)  Anyways, I know I feel the same way about her drinking her zillions of cups of coffee as she does about my smoking.  I'm not constantly trying to make her stop.  I'll mention it sometimes, ussually only when she brings up smoking.

After we talked, she asked me, Is that all you smoke?  I was so close to saying, You mean Marijuana, the drug with far less negative side affects than tobacco.  I'd like for her to try and pull out some statistics that say smoking Marijuana is bad for you.  Cause there aren't any, and if they are, they are iligitamate sources.  She'd say it illegal and we need to respect our goverment's laws.  FUCK that, my goverment needs to respect me before I ever give a shit about it.  Stop arresting pot smokers, or atleast for god's sake quit giving pointless FUCKING speeding tickets, because your parish has lots of travelers and you'd rather them pay than your inhabitants, yeah, misslead people in to thinking this goverment doesn't suck the resources out of this world.  I know this sounds like me just ranting against the goverment, and it is, but I'm not really like that.  Just frustrating.  I'm going to stop now because its making want to yell.  I really want Social Anarchy, I read about it in some book in the library.  I thinks Anarcho-socialism (something like that) is a different name for it.  I'll explain what it is later, its great though.  I think it would work, with a small number of people, and they'd have to choose it.  You can't force something on people.  I'll save that for later.

Anyways... (I use that a lot I think it to end what I was thinking about and get to a new subject, I might as well type it I figure.)

I really want a pseudo family, I know a lot of people that were in one, but it got to over populated by the time I would have been able to join.  They are all seperated now, it kinda sucks, I miss some of them a lot.  There are some people I wouldn't want in my pseudo family, and it might hurt thier feelings, but thats the best part of a pseudo family.  Its people you actually choose to care about, not just a bunch of people that only love you because of whose you are.  I wonder about that a lot, would my parents like me if I wasn't there son.  My dad definetly would, we are really similar in the head, and I'm proud to say that.  I'm not sure my mom would, she's weird though, I'm going to have to ponder that more.  My brother wouldn't, he likes the normies, what a freak.  My youngest older sis might, not sure about her, she's a lot like mom.  My oldest sis definetly would, she is so great.  I think she's forcing her self to be normal right now, and I think that it might all come out after she's married for a little while. 

(Its really awkward when your sister who gets married in 3 days starts talking about having cold feet and you have to avoid saying that you think a traditional marriage is just an dinosaur that is going exstinct pretty quick)

She's my favorite sibling, I feel really bad saying that like bro or sis are going to be browsing ep and see it.  They wouldn't be caught dead here.  The oldest one would love this, She's like dad, too.  We are all 3 kinda one of a kind, or more of variations on the same type.

I hate when my shuffle plays terrible songs.  But then it redeems its self with Sweet Caroline, probably one of the greatest songs of all time.  I'd pretend to be in love with a Caroline just so I could sing this song to her.  I can't remember who it is but someone plays a cover of it, and it basically sets it to like Led Zepplin type rock, its pretty wonderful.  dada  good times never seemed so good.  When you really start breaking down the lyrics, (I've listened to this song to many times to take it simply) its kind of depressing, I think he's not actually in love with her, he is just caught up in infatuation.  Of course then you really have to start thinking about what Love is.  I guess maybe, being "in love" is just infatuation.  Maybe you can have both sometimes, but I doubt it.  Ussually I say that I love my friends but reserve Love (with a capitol L) as a romantic thing, but I don't really think that any more.  But I get romantic feelings for my friends all the time.  ALL the time.

I think thats all I'm going to write, that was way more than I thought was going to come out. 

TWSS  hahaha

I hope you get that.

Who knows where this life is taking me

I sure am glad it seems to be parrallel

To this path that I am walking on with you

Perhaps our rate will change, as we try not to speed

The fork will one day come, we'll be forced to choose between the two

Soon we will discover our destinies are seperate

We'll follow the path that we were both meant to

Communication is not impossible, we'll send messages through those dense woods

I have this friend.

I've known her for over 3 years.  About two years ago I had a crush on her, and just ignored it.  This eventually went away.

We both went to the same college, and we hang out pretty often.  She doesn't have a lot of friends.  The feelings are hard to explain clearly.  I like to say that I'm in love with our friendship.  I'm incredibly scared of telling her anything about it.  Here's the letter I wrote that trys to explain it.

     I'm in love with you.  Thats the extremely simple statement, but its really quite a bit more complex than that.  The next thing I'd probably say is that its more like, I'm in love with our friendship, even that isn't really quite it.  Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure what the more complex explanation would be.  I definitely want you to know that I care about more than a friend.  I definitely Love you, but thats kind of irrelevant actually.  I guess part of me wants to say, I love you ____, and I want us to be more than friends.  The problem is that more than friends thing, I don't really know what it means.  I guess its kind of like we appear externally to be just friends, but on the inside we both know we are more than that.  In fact, if I could know that you felt similar to this with out me asking you, then I would just continue as is, and never worry about telling you.  The catch is that if you don't feel this way, then I don't want to continue to become more and more attached.  ______ and any other guy, doesn't really bother me, I worry a little bit about them replacing me as your friend, but I don't think that would ever happen.
    Fuck this is long.  I don't really plan on giving this to you, its kinda me trying to figure things out, and it works better if I direct it as though I'm talking to you.  I might though, you never know.
    The main thing is that I don't know how I feel.  I mean, I definitely feel a certain way, and its not just that I don't know how to explain it to you.  Its that I have absolutely no idea as to what that is.  I mean no idea.  It kinda sucks because when I'm around you I start thinking about this, and just want to tell you, but have to resist the urge.  If I was sure it wouldn't change things I would tell you.
    I don't know if you know this about me, but I'm actually quite self-concious.  I worry a lot about the idea of you teasing me when I tell you, or thinking its a joke.  That would probably be the worst, if you thought this was a joke.

(When ever I told her a couple of weeks ago that I thought I had feelings for her, she teased me, it hurt, it hurt more than I thought it did, I had to pretend like it didn't for the sake of our friendship, but it hurt a lot.)

If you read this thanks.